When I was about 8 or 9 years old I was sitting in the car with my mother and this song came on the radio – Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks. I don’t remember if I paid much attention to it at first, beyond singing along with the lyrics perhaps, “goodbye my friend, it’s hard to die…” But then my mother told me a story behind it: The singer’s good friend had been diagnosed with cancer and had a very short time to live. So Terry wrote this song for him, but his friend died within four months and never had the chance to hear it.
He never even had the chance to hear it. This story fell heavy on my young heart and I was overcome by the tragedy of it. As I sat in the car listening to the lyrics I was flooded with empathy and compassion for the singer’s friend. This touching and poignant story would elicit the same feelings from most people and especially a sensitive child. But it had an even more important effect on me.
I was the unplanned daughter of two teenagers and thankfully had loving grandparents to raise me when my own parents proved unwilling and/or unable. Despite being generally safe, loved, and provided for, the complicated relationship with my parents was often confusing and painful. We had our share of challenges as a family and I took on a lot of the emotions that came with those challenges. Added to the emotional stress were health issues: I was born with eczema and diagnosed with severe asthma by age 3. So by age 8 or 9 I had been through a lot. I was depressed at times and had even contemplated suicide.
I’m sure I didn’t come up with the idea of killing myself on my own. I’m sure I heard about suicide and heard of others who had died that way. But once I knew that ending my own life was an option, the urge to do so would sometimes arise. I don’t remember if I ever seriously considered it, but I thought about it a lot.
Suicidal Urge is one of the 17 emotions that we work with in Dynamic Emotional Integration®. For people not familiar with this work it can be quite disconcerting to talk about the urge to kill oneself so matter-of-factly and seemingly nonchalantly at times. The most important thing to remember about this emotion is that it never calls for the person to die. Although I know it can absolutely feel that way.
It is an extremely intense emotion and it can obviously be life-threatening. Although it is not calling for the person’s death, suicide urge is calling for a type of death. This emotion is so intense and extreme because it has to be. It is a psyche’s last-ditch effort to end something in a person’s life that is extremely painful, intolerable, and/or unsustainable.
Generally by the time suicide urge arises many other emotions have come forth to deal with a situation. If a person can learn to work with the other emotions and understand their messages, this may help avoid the need for suicide urge to arise. This isn’t always the case, though; often there are physiological factors at play that require professional support and/or medication.
Either way, suicide urge should not to be taken lightly and no one should venture to work with this emotion without support. But as with each of our emotions, suicide urge does have a vital and important role. In truth, it can actually be life-saving, especially if we can learn to notice and work with it at its softer levels.
Goodbye … it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there
As I sat in the car listening to those lyrics I put myself in the place of that person. As I thought of having to die while so desperately wanting to live, I felt a profound sense of grief (another emotion I have come to know and love). With that grief there was also a wave of the mixed emotion state of gratitude. I didn’t have to die. I may have had health issues, but none came with a fatal diagnosis. I had the choice to live.
In that moment I was so moved that I swore to myself then and there that I would never take my own life. No matter how bad things got, I would always remember that there are people who have to die when they desperately want to live.
And if I had never come to learn DEI and understand emotions, that would be a very inspiring end to my story.
However, understanding that each emotion has a specific and important role begs the question – if suicide was no longer an option for me, how would I have access to the gifts and skills of that emotion when I needed them? If things in my life became that intolerably painful or unsustainable how could I make the necessary changes without the intensity and determination of the suicide urge?
It’s not a simple answer, but in short – I couldn’t. Whenever an emotion is banned from our emotional ecosystem, other emotions have to try to make up for the lost skills and gifts as best they can. The emotions are wise and powerful aspects of our selves, so they can usually find a way to get the job done, but not without compromise.
It wasn’t until I learned DEI and began to understand how emotions show up for us that I realized I had done a disservice to myself by banning suicidal urge from my psyche. Looking back on my life there are situations, relationships, and beliefs that probably should have been ended with a suicide urge-level of finality. Holding on to some of those things prolonged suffering and prevented better things from entering my life. I understand that now and have made peace with it.
And I’ve also made peace with my suicidal urge. Eventually, that promise to myself became a very valuable thing. Now because actually ending my life is honestly off the table, I can engage with suicide urge when it arises in a safe and effective way. I have learned to welcome it in (along with all of my emotions), hear its message, and gather the insights it brings to decide which actions I need to take.
By no means do I want to imply that this emotion is an easy one to work with. And I will reiterate: This emotion calls for a final and absolute end to something – but that something is never your actual life. If suicide urge is coming up for you, please seek help and find support. There are so many resources and there is no need to go through it alone.
In the US, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To text in the US, there is the Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
For those outside the US, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has a list of resources and crisis centers around the world.
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