The Apathy of a Saint

The Virtue of Patience

I’ve been told I have the patience of a saint – on multiple occasions. Admittedly, it’s been a while since anyone has paid me that compliment, but I did take it as a compliment. I was proud to be recognized for a such a saintly quality. Recently I’ve been thinking about patience – why some have it and others don’t, why many have it in certain situations but not in others, and which emotions’ gifts play a part in this saintly trait.

The oxford dictionary defines patience as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” If you’ve been working with your Emotional Vocabulary List, you know about weasel words and might recognize upset as one of those words that doesn’t really identify a specific emotion. Angry, of course, is referring to anger – our boundary setting emotion.

Working with Anger

I think the importance of apathy in patience first dawned on me when I was waiting in a line …

I was in the middle of a hectic day but I had to make a stop at the bank. It was a little before the normal lunch hour so I was hopeful that I’d get in and out of there quickly. But when I went inside the bank, there was an already long line and only one teller open. I sighed deeply and walked over to take my place in the line and begin to wait. I stood there calmly, observing everything around me, checking some emails, going over my to-do list in my mind, and just settled into being in my own little world for a bit. Soon, the woman in front of me started fidgeting and looking around. She commented to – me? Perhaps. But more likely to anyone who would listen.

“Why don’t they open another teller?”

“They should know lunchtime is busy”

“Isn’t this ridiculous?”

I just kind of smiled and softly laughed, mumbling some non-committal vaguearies that I hoped she’d take for whatever support she was looking for and allow me to go back to my … what?

What was it that I was getting back to in myself? I became curious to see what my emotional landscape looked like in that moment. Why wasn’t I also irritated and prickling like the woman in front of me?

Here’s what I found

First – shame: Part of what I’d already recognized as helpful in times that call for patience is shame. Shame is the emotion that helps me consider the boundaries of others and alerts me to behavior that may encroach on or break those boundaries. Often shame and anger perform a beautiful tango-esque dance, where the cost of asserting my needs are weighed with the other’s needs. Consider that I may want to express that I’d prefer that things move along more quickly. However, saying this to a teller that is already stressed and doing their best would most certainly rub up against their boundaries and cause them to get annoyed and perhaps defensive or perhaps aggressive. Shame helps me consider what their position and needs might be in this situation and have second thoughts about trying to assert my own needs.

So shame was thankfully showing up and helping me not cause a scene, but my anger was still there.

Second – sadness: When I first walked in and saw the long line, I let out a big sigh. This releasing, grounding exhale is very often a sign of sadness. The emotion that helps me let go of what’s not working, sadness is essential for smooth flowing through life, especially during times like my trip to the bank. When life gets in the way of plans, sadness shows up to help me let go and start anew. In my situation, sadness helped me immediately let go of any ideas I had about this being a quick visit and adjust my expectations to better align with the new reality.

Setting Boundaries

Finally – and this was the interesting piece for me – I noticed apathy: Apathy is one of the masking state emotions in DEI. It shows up when we need or want to set a boundary – but cannot. There are many reasons why we might not be able to (or choose not to) set a boundary. Sometimes setting a boundary might jeopardize a job that we can’t afford to lose, sometimes setting a boundary would embarrass or hurt another person in a way we know they couldn’t handle, sometimes setting a boundary is flat-out dangerous, and sometimes setting a boundary is simply not feasible. This last point being the reality of my situation at the bank.

Now, I want to clarify that we can always set our internal sense of our boundary and sense of space in the world. This is important to do, and there are various methods which I won’t get into here but will revisit in another post.

But when it comes to affecting our external social world and our interactions there, there are situations where it’s not an option to set a boundary we wish we could.

What apathy helps you do is soften your focus on your needs so that you don’t get overwhelmed by the inability to meet them. This is really useful in situations like long lines. It’s important to understand that it is a masking state and it’s not ideal to stay in apathy for too long, especially without awareness of it. However, when you’re having a frustrating day at work, when you have to do your least favorite chore, or when you’re stuck waiting in a long line on a busy day, apathy can be a welcome reprieve.

So the next time you hear the phrase “the patience of saint,” consider that maybe some of those saints had great skills with apathy that helped them endure any frustrating, upsetting, and boundary-disturbing situations they found themselves in.

Have you ever found yourself using apathy in this way? Let me know!